I did a survey last night on facebook. It opened my eyes to how dismal my life is. I haven't laughed since Thursday. For the past week, I've been on the verge of tears. Well, today, as Hayden nearly bit my finger off, I gave in to a good cry.
I'm tired of administering over 50 supplements a day. I'm tired of endlessly brushing Hayden's teeth and scrubbing his mouth afterwards so his teeth don't discolor (this is how the bite occurred). I'm tired of worrying about money. I'm tired of living life in a haze and watching my son line things up. I'm tired of the autism community being separated into two groups. I'm tired of Hayden's temper tantrums. I'm tired of fighting with my husband and carrying on one-sided conversations with Hayden. I'm tired of going out in public and seeing normal families interact while I chase my son all over creation to ensure he doesn't run into oncoming traffic. I'm tired of collecting urine and stool samples, only to see that my son isn't well yet. I'm tired of dealing with the public. I'm tired of stupid people who won't learn from my mistakes until it happens to them. I'm tired of pissing people off. I'm tired of living in housewife suburbia hell. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of autism.
And my finger is still throbbing.
Damn good post. You write a book that good and you will get some attention.
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you! You've made my day. So far, I have 65,000 words of non-stop autism action similar to this (from a slightly distraught mother). Stay tuned...
ReplyDeleteI KNOW YOU ARE TIRED I MYSELF GET TIRED . BUT HANG ON THERE YOU WILL MAKE IT I PROMISE YOU I WILL PRAY THAT GOD MAKES YOU STRONGER. KEEP THE FAITH AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON THE POOP COLLECTING SUPPLEMENT GIVING, PICKY EATERS, TAMPRUMS AND SCREAMNG AND ANXIETY PROBLEMS IN BUBLIC AND IN THE CAR , ETC . WE ARE HERE WITH YOU WE ARE SPECIAL PEOPLE ..
ReplyDeleteTHE LORD BLESS YOU
Hang in there , i just wanna share that i too am tired of 2 years of cjgf, i too am tired of therapy aba,ot,social skills,speech, and other crap we do . i too am tired of the stares at people when ever we have an anxiety panic attack with my aspergers 7 year old girl in a public place or when my autistic boy cryes in public places. i too was tired of him lining up his toys but all is possible with patience he no longer lines them up and he can now speak in 8 work sentences with difficulty but he can . have patience all of this is worth the time and worth us being tired. i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because i focused on my children these past 2 1/2 years. i quit my job of 13 years and my kids became my job. So hear me out when I tell you , I do understand . hang in there all is possible in Christ who up to this day has given you strenght .
ReplyDeletethe lord bless you Sister in the Cause
Hang in there, one day something will click, you will see a ray of sunshine and it will all be worth it.
ReplyDeleteAre you doing the GFCF diet? It's hard, but I've read a lot of success stories.
Don't let that picture of the perfect mom/housewife get you down. All that baking and she's still thin? She's gotta be on crack. You know she's a junkie...look how pale she is :)
I love you girl! Hang in there. Crystal, I went through one of the lowest points in my life when all 3 boys were in diapers and all three in all the therapy that First Steps would give. There were days I didnt know if I could make it but somehow, somewhere it did get much much better.
ReplyDeleteThank you all! I'm hoping time will heal. Cheryl, I agree. lol. There's something wrong with that woman. :)
ReplyDeleteCheryl, yes, we're GFCF. Hayden has 20 food allergies and he's very picky. Dinnertime at the Engler household is difficult, to say the least. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, do I hear you! I could have written this.
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling the truth. I wrote a similar post on my blog a few months ago and my family decided that I was insane. No one really gets what our lives are like except us. You are not alone in this...you've got the rest of us bitches to keep you company.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I'm thinking of you.
Oh, Crystal I feel for you. My daughter is bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She is an adult now.....but I am raising her son. He was showing signs of the bipolar but we found out through an MRI that he has a spot on his brain. We can't get in to the neurologist for 4 months! I, too get tired of the tantrums, crying, arguments, and just want to be selfish at times and be by myself. Stay strong. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Cassie!
ReplyDeleteI can understand where you are coming from. My son is young enough that we don't have behavioral problems, but I can understand the heartache of not being able to have a normal relationship with your child. I am so there. I work at a local summer camp for kids with autism. I hope to pursue a Master's Degree in ABA in the fall. I live in the hope that I will be able to encourage other mothers with children with disabilities. Please be encouraged. You may feel angry and tired now, but there is hope. While the struggle may be far from over, your son has so much potential. Reach inside yourself and look for the positive. Have a great evening!
ReplyDeleteI can't say I understand but i can sympathize with you....I can hear your frustration and your pain. Hang on dear friend...Prayers sent your way.
ReplyDeleteMay angels surround you...I pray you find the break-through for your child.
Blessings to each of you, Dianntha
I'm tired of the autism community being split into 2 groups too. You know, I used to be in the same place you are before my sister passed. In fact the morning she passed I was suffering from depression. Now, I am so happy to be alive, my depression is gone. I know that sounds really weird and I would take depression over her loss any day. But what I am saying is that you are alive, you have an amazing child who is alive. Embrace it if you can. It is painful to read about your days and nights that you are missing out on because you are consumed with anxiety and depression...especially since I understand it completely. But we don't have time for this. We have to live and appreciate what we have because the truth is, we are lucky. It is awful that I had to have my sister taken from me to realize this completely. But now that I do, I want to share that somehow, with you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you are doing too many suppliments. Maybe you should cut back and just keep the probiotics, multi vitamins, and I highly recommend methyl b12 shots and a majorly strict GFCF and soy free diet, and epsom salts baths. It worked wonders for us. Also, AJ just got better from age 5 to 6. Age 3-4 completely sucked. I think just because of her age and the b12, and my recovery from depression really helped her. Good luck. I really am going to follow your posts and look for bits of joy that I know are there somewhere. Also, I just wrote a post about the "positive side of autism" and talk about how all souls are equal. This applies to your boy too.
p.s. my sister was a vegetarian too. she was amazing.
My thoughts are with you!!
I WISH I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT POSTING HAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteMY LIFE IN THIS TWO HORSE TOWN ISNT ANY MORE PLEASANT THAN YOURS, i TO AM TIRED OF IT ALL
aT LEAST i HOPE i AM ABLE TO SAY yOUR HUSBAND IS STILL THEIR WITH YOU
MINE DECIDED TO TAKE UP A HOBBIE A GIRLFRIEND IN JANUARYi FOUND OUT OH MY GOODNESS i TOOK HER OUT FOR DINNER AND HOME OVERNIGHT SHE WAS A GIRL i WAS FRIENDS WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL EGAD ANYHOW APPARENTLY SPOUSE STATED i OVER STEPPED MY BOUNDARY HAHAHAHAH
ANYHOW APPARENTLY I YELL AT HUBBY TOO MUCH AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SAYS I AM CRAZY AND HE NEEDS TO MOVE OUT BEFOR I KILL HIM OR HE DOES IT HIMSELF YAH OK NOT A VIOLENT BONE IN MY BODY
AND I M A STAY AT HOME WITH THREE ON THE ASD SPECTRUM TADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
CHEERS TO ME FOR EVEN REMEMBERING TO WIPE MY ASS!
GOTA LAUGH THIS IS FABULAOUS STUFF YOU WRITE
ILOVE YOU
REALLY I DO
YOU HAVE MADE THIS DAY BERABLE THANK YOU
MY HATS OFF TO YA
REMEMBER ME THE NEXT TIME YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT YOUR HUBBY GOD FORBID YOUR UBBY MAY MOW OFF WITH THE LAWN MOWER THE TREES YOU HAVE JUST RECENTLY PLANTED FROM YOUR DYING GRAMMAS HOUSE !!!! YUP THATS WHAT HAPPENED HERE, I SAID YOU ARE F-----ASSHOLE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ALL THE WOODENSTAKES IN THE GROUND AROUND AND YOU TOOK THE STAKES UP AND PITCHED THEM TO THE DRIVE WAY AND DIDNT SEE THE TWO FOOT TREES ASHOLE
GOTTA RUN
EMAIL ME PLEASE ABBEYMANOR@GMAIL.COM WILLIAMSBURG ONTARIO CANADA
Wow! I hear ya Abbey. You're so right. From Kentucky to Ontario, cheers...for remembering to wipe your ass. lol. :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband is here, but I haven't started ranting on this blog yet about him. My book is filled with torturous stories of our relationship. It's very difficult. He's been on his best behavior, but next week, I foresee a shit storm a comin'. I live with a control battle brewing daily.
Hang in there and replant some trees. Thanks for the comment. I'll email ya. :)
Crystal,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through Age of Autism and I love it. I, too, am tired. I'm tired of autism and everything that goes along with it. Most people don't have a clue what we go through and I'm tired of that too. But, somehow, we muster up the strength to go on. One day maybe we won't be so tired and our kids will tell us they appreciated everything we did for them. One day...
Tina
Thank you Tina! I agree. Maybe one day we'll be able to sit back and remember how crazy our lives were at one time. :) I hope it gets better. :)
ReplyDeleteI did a Google search on "tired of autism" and found your blog. Thank you for telling it like it is.
ReplyDelete