It’s Almost Time

This is my last week of uncertainty. With oblivion comes a glimmer, a spark of “what if”. In a few days, I’ll know what the baby is. At this point, I still have the dream of all good things that would come if I have a boy or a girl. The dreams are different, yet they are both important.

So what do I think it’ll be? My gut has told me girl all along, yet my head tells me boy. I catch myself saying “she” when I talk about the little rascal squirming around in there. Yes, it would be nice to have a girl. For many reasons, really. If nothing else, the chances of developing autism are lower for a girl. I know there is no certainty, but it’s still on my mind. All in all, I just want a healthy baby.

I spend a lot of time alone. I think about my life and how bringing a child into the world is, I believe for a good mom, the ultimate sacrifice. Things are never the same. So, here I am, often alone with my thoughts. Will I be raising a little rebel like myself? How can I make this child better than his or her parents? I want so many things for this baby. I guess after having a child with special needs, opinions and dreams change. I know this child is coming into the world with a lot of obstacles to overcome. The risk of autism and living with an autistic sibling, for starters.

But, it will be what it will be. I believe it’s predestined. Hair bows or action figures (that I’ve never understood the concept for), I suppose it’s already in the cards. God will give me what he wants to. I just pray that I’m ready.