Not All Toilets Are Created Equal

A few days ago, I gave in and spent some time in a public bathroom. If you've ever been pregnant, you'll know that there aren't many restrooms you don't visit, unfortunately. It's that pressure on the bladder thing. Anyway, I discovered a new pet peeve. Added to the list of assholes, cowards, snobs, and selfish people, loose toilet lids follow closely behind.

I looked like a rat scurrying through a cheese maze as I shuffled through Walgreens in search of a freakin' bathroom. The door was somewhere, but I had a hard time finding it. This led to a nearly explosive bladder and a rather quick sanitation of the cheap plastic lid. Finally, in the culmination of it all, I sat my ever-expanding fat ass down in complete oblivion of what was about to come. That's when the trouble started.

Have you ever seen the Hawaiian chair? Ellen tested it out on her show a few years ago. Well, my experience was about like pissing on a Hawaiian chair. Just about the time I sat down, the damn lid started to slide all over the place. This is disturbing on various levels. 1. What kind of funk is UNDER the lid to make it slide like that? 2. My ass is so big that it TOUCHED the nasty part. 3. I'm not stopping, so I'll just wobble and piss.

Once the whole thing was over, I cursed Walgreens and their generic, unkempt powder rooms. I mozied on out and hopped in the car. My husband had the nerve to ask, "What took YOU so long," to which I replied, "You almost lost me to the Hawaiian toilet seat." He didn't get it, and after my mental tantrum I didn't care to explain.