Clear the Roads

Well, we finally did it. We bought a new-to-us car. Although I cringe to think about a new payment, I settle quickly when I realize that my car won't stall at a red light in front of Chong's ever again. We ran the poor Tortoise into the ground. So, this week (just in time for Christmas and the bills that come thereafter), we got a Hybrid Altima. Now, I'm not so much into saving the earth. I have a different opinion on the whole global warming thing. But, I am into saving money. This car will almost double our gas mileage and cut our gas bill in half. The only down side to a new vehicle is that Brock gets on a "fatherly hen" kick and treats it like some damn porcelain doll. I can see myself at Wal-Mart, parking a mile and a half away from the door, dragging along a kicking five year old and pulling a baby carriage behind. Good times. Oh well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I won't use the handicapped spots, but I do plan on parking close and driving the wheels off this car. And although I may have to sell my organs to afford another payment, I'm OK with that decision. It's better than riding in a clown car for the rest of my life.

The Brady Bunch Doesn't Have Nothin' On Us...

Here's the story of a tired lady,
who was bringing up a directionally-challenged child.
He was following the footsteps of his gender,
His aim was really quite wild.

Here's the story of a boy named Hayden,
Whose literal thinking got him in a mess.
When the mother told her son to go and urinate,
He dropped his pants and in a vent he went to piss.

Till the one day when the lady smelled a great stench,
On her hands and knees she sniffed, just as a hunch.
Only then she found the urine in the air vent,
That's the way we all became the Crazy Bunch.

The Crazy Bunch, The Crazy Bunch,
That's the way we became the Crazy Bunch.

My Newest GFCF Addiction

I just ate my weight in popcorn. And for good reason. I made the most delicious gluten and casein free delicacy known to man. Once the garlic stench dissipates from my mouth, I may have another trash can sized container...

air popped all natural popcorn
Nutiva raw coconut oil (heated to a liquid consistency)
garlic powder

I've Got A Spork, and I Know How To Use It

What's the only thing worse than catching your son's poop in your hands? Doing it for no good reason. I began shooting smoke out my ears earlier today. I was informed that the stool sample I worked so hard to collect cannot be used. Apparently, the kit had expired. And apparently, I'm losing my mind, because I never checked the expiration date. Although I would do it a thousand times again for my son (because he's SO worth it), it's still painful. So, if you need to contact me for any reason within the next few days, I'll be in the bathroom shoveling shit again.

It's a Girl

I was right (and from what my husband says, it's a usual occurrence...was he being sarcastic here?). It's a girl, and her name is going to be Ayla.



Someone needs to stop me, because I've been out of control (with food and browsing). I've found some of the biggest hair bows known to man. Don't think I won't be using them. I suddenly feel despair for a baby girl who doesn't have a bow. This never used to happen. I was even one of the naysayers who made fun of those brain sucking instruments that used to qualify as hair bows. But, alas, I've seen the light. It also appears that I've seen a few too many egg and cheese biscuits. This is me at 17 weeks pregnant (probably thinking about hair bows).

And You Thought Your Life Was Dull

Let's talk about cleaning. I've been on a toilet/poop writing spree for long enough. I got some samples the other day from Shaklee. If you're a regular follower on my blog (and you should be!), you'll know that smells are really bothering me, especially in cleaning products. Although I don't typically clean my own house (well, I "spot" clean on the weeks that my cleaning lady isn't here), I still can't stand to be around my usual non-toxic cleaners. I think it's a pregnancy thing. And, of course, since I don't have the kind of money that I'd like, I'm still the one who tidies up on a daily basis.

On the day that we went for our ultrasound, my cleaning lady used the Shaklee samples. I was thrilled when I came home to a house that didn't smell. The cleaners seemed to work as effectively as the toxic crap that we used to use. Some of their products are really affordable (the laundry detergent is edging up to the expensive price range). Another possible bummer is that you have to order the products online. I don't believe there are any retailers around our area that carry them. That, of course, adds to the price tag. However, all in all, everyone liked Shaklee. I was happy because it didn't make me sick from the smell. My cleaning lady was happy because she didn't have to get out a sandblaster to scrub our tub. Brock was happy because the samples were free.

As many of you can relate, my husband never cleans up after himself. If I am gone for any length of time, I return to a kitchen that looks as though a blender has vomited along the entire length of my countertops. So, just to double check Shaklee's ability, I got out my apron and scrubbing gloves the other day. I had it out with my countertops. When I finished, they looked as good as new. Now if I can only get my husband to work as hard in the kitchen as my new cleaning products...

Today I Became Mother of the Year

sacrifice [sak-ruh-fahys] noun, verb, -ficed, -ficing. Catching your child’s poop when the Comprehensive Stool Analysis’s Ziploc bag won’t open.

I earned a crown for Heaven today. It's day three of Hayden’s stool test. That means it's ready to ship off. I HAVE to get it shipped tomorrow so the results will be back in time for my phone consult with his doctor. I was attempting to check my email today when I heard my son yelling something about wiping his tail. I ran down the stairs (yes, apparently pregnant women can ‘get it’, too). Hayden was already perched on the toilet, desperately trying to hold it. He knew he was supposed to poop in the French fry looking container that Doctor’s Data sent me. I hurried as much as I could, but the bag that contained the French fry holder wouldn’t open. In a desperate attempt to save the stool from the toilet water (this would render it useless), I did what any Autism Warrior would do. I caught that shit with my bare hands.

God bless us, Autism Warriors.

Not All Toilets Are Created Equal

A few days ago, I gave in and spent some time in a public bathroom. If you've ever been pregnant, you'll know that there aren't many restrooms you don't visit, unfortunately. It's that pressure on the bladder thing. Anyway, I discovered a new pet peeve. Added to the list of assholes, cowards, snobs, and selfish people, loose toilet lids follow closely behind.

I looked like a rat scurrying through a cheese maze as I shuffled through Walgreens in search of a freakin' bathroom. The door was somewhere, but I had a hard time finding it. This led to a nearly explosive bladder and a rather quick sanitation of the cheap plastic lid. Finally, in the culmination of it all, I sat my ever-expanding fat ass down in complete oblivion of what was about to come. That's when the trouble started.

Have you ever seen the Hawaiian chair? Ellen tested it out on her show a few years ago. Well, my experience was about like pissing on a Hawaiian chair. Just about the time I sat down, the damn lid started to slide all over the place. This is disturbing on various levels. 1. What kind of funk is UNDER the lid to make it slide like that? 2. My ass is so big that it TOUCHED the nasty part. 3. I'm not stopping, so I'll just wobble and piss.

Once the whole thing was over, I cursed Walgreens and their generic, unkempt powder rooms. I mozied on out and hopped in the car. My husband had the nerve to ask, "What took YOU so long," to which I replied, "You almost lost me to the Hawaiian toilet seat." He didn't get it, and after my mental tantrum I didn't care to explain.