Come On Y'all Let's Take A Ride

Listen to this, you're gonna need it...

My son nearly learned to drive today. We went to the park to feed the ducks since the snowstorm was on its way (these ducks needed food, people). I unbuckled Hayden and let him sit in the driver's seat. I shut the door, fully equipped with a loaf of stale bread. I waddled a few feet away from the car (assured that a shit attack on our new vehicle would do nothing to please my husband) and a swarm of insane ducks and geese found their way to me. Hayden watched and laughed [probably thinking what a fool I looked like without make-up or a decent hairdo, standing in freezing temperatures while feeding Bunny bread (don't judge) to a flock of borderline obese birds].

We were having a good time, the birds and I. I evenly distributed their snacks, all the while watching my son's draining enthusiasm for the day's event. Apparently, I was a little bit too focused on the feeding experience. What seemed like a few moments later, when I turned around to check on my son (after hearing a strange click), I snapped back from PETA paradise only to find that my son had: A. turned the windshield wipers on full blast, B. turned the bright lights on, C. turned on the radio and somehow found a Coolio song, and D. managed to lock the doors. He gave me a shit-eating grin and pretended to drive to a place where 'everybody kick it', for all I know. Panic began to set in. The hungry birds turned on me. Some began pecking at my stellar maternity jeans while others raised such a ruckus I feared animal welfare might come get me.

I shouted at Hayden to OPEN THE DOOR and for some reason, he didn't listen. The insane family who was actually using the playground in 20 degree weather looked at ME like I had flipped my lid (who lets their kids play outside without jackets at a park in sub-freezing temperatures?). I began miming at this point. Somewhere along the way, I believe a few cuss words spewed from my virginal lips. After a few seconds, I learned that one can indeed sweat in freezing weather. Then, by the grace of God and in Hayden's best interest, he unlocked the door (but not after rolling the window up and down a 1/2 inch seventeen times).

What did I learn from today's fantastic voyage? My animal activism used to be SO much easier...